


This Is How You Lose Me

by kapsyon



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16112540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapsyon/pseuds/kapsyon
Summary: i never told you i love you.you never told me you were dying.five easy words that would have shattered our worlds:"i love you, i think.""i have a brain tumor."





	1. Chapter 1

never in a million years did jennie ever fathom the thought that someone could resonate the deepest longings of the heart; to connect, to be vulnerable, to-

"i never thought it could be like this." jennie tilted her face upward.

"like what?" i responded, confused albeit serene.

"you know when you’re driving, and it's raining. everything is a daze and you wonder when will it end. and then you come across a tunnel and it's calm and quiet for a while? you were that tunnel."

i'm a multilingual not good with words. and i never knew falling in love needed so many. jennie is my reservoir. she's metaphors and onomatopoeias; the walking kind, the talking kind. she's full of beautiful words yet not a single one can epitomize her entity.

like the way she crafts her hair. or how she smells in the morning. the sudden thump thump in my chest when she utters my name, or when she holds me close. there are no words.

“what’s your least favorite word?” she leaned in closer. jennie has always been like this— with child-like inquiries.

“moist.” i replied, half-laughing, “what’s yours?”

"almost" she sounded so certain. her eyes were avoiding mine as if the utterance of the word pierced her insides.

—-

"in order to keep your balance, you have to keep moving", i whispered to her. i cannot believe this 23-year-old girl doesn't know how to ride a bike. who doesn't know how to ride a two-wheel vehicle?

"i know what you’re thinking,” jennie looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "i'm a stereotyped sheltered kid."

honey, you are. that's what i love about you. you make me feel useful; like you needed me, but, you know what, i needed you more.

"look. you are a thrill-seeker, you’re adventurous. a wandering artist”, she continued.

"fancy words to describe my destination-less living" i appealed.

"you are. and that was the reason why you missed your flight the first time we laid our eyes on each other in that airport.”

—8 MONTHS AGO

"some say people who are glum at airports are two kinds-- the one who left and the one that’s left behind. which one are you?", an unfamiliar voice towered over me.

"neither", i responded, without looking at her. i'm not in the right mind to talk.

"well, you certainly look like the latter." irritated, i looked up to the owner of the voice.

how dare she- she—

..เธอสวย

..그녀는 아름다워

..彼女は美しい

..she.. is.. beautiful.

 

—-

 

"you are so fond of the day we first met”, i said smiling; while grasping her hand atop the bicycle's handlebar.

"because it felt like you needed rescuing.." she grasped harder. "but truth be told, you're the one who rescued me."

her eyes felt like the door to eternity, to bliss, to everything you have ever wished for but never had- and all she has to do is open them.

"一緒にいるとホットづる”

"what?" her brows furrowed, jaw slightly dropped.

"shut up and get this bike going”, i uttered, just above a whisper.

oh god, jennie, i think i'm going to love you forever.

 

—

"i think it's amusing." we were sitting side-by-side in a convenience store; our reflections staring back at us in the glass wall, until jennie broke the ice with that four-word sentence.

"what is?" honestly, i love that we can spend hours and hours talking about everything and nothing at the same time.

"that you've never seen yourself in person. come to think of it, your perception of what you look like only comes from mirrors and photographs."

you have a beautiful brain, 언니.

“i read somewhere that we see ourselves ten times more attractive than we actually are. it's our brain's natural tendency to cling on to what's beautiful than what is not”, she continued still, my heart's going on a thrill.

"it's a weird feeling", i mumbled under my breath.

"what is?" her tone was mocking and copying. mirrored from what i said earlier. jennie-chan kawaii.

"being aware that we exist", finishing my statement.

“do you ever wonder what’s beyond it? what's after existence?” her voice felt uneasy, it was like word-vomit.

"i'm pretty optimistic about life after death", i replied in all seriousness, however reassuring.

"people on their deathbeds must think about that a lot. and i think what they really need is familiarity amidst the unknown- the reassurance that someone is going to be waiting on the other side", her feline eyes dropped.

"i need to die before you." "why is that?" "so i could welcome you in the afterlife with this face-" i made a face, twisted my lips the way she wanted it. it made her laugh. mission accomplished.

"lisa.." she said, just above a whisper, seconds after she recovered from giggling, "with you, i have never felt more alive."


	2. alive

“where are we going?”, jennie smilingly said, can’t hide her excitement. 

“i don’t know. but we’re going”, lisa winked.

jennie never knew life could be just as electrifying with spontaneity. she never knew that her bulleted life, her planned life, her sheltered being could be wrecked and rebuilt by someone. not just by someone, but by me.

“i’ll drive your convertible”, with pleading eyes, she insisted. 

“but it’s a long drive”, i said, refusing her. 

“that’s why i want to”, she insisted harder.

some say it takes 6 weeks to form a habit. and ジェニい, you’ve become a hard habit to break.

—-

“you can pull me closer-“ 

“you can pull me closer-“ 

“i’m surprised you know this song”, she spoke wide-eyed. 

“i’m not surprised you have a good taste in music”, i retorted.

jennie is tapping her fingers against the wheel while singing along; her head bopping, her smile widing. the universe has its ways to make us fall in love. as for me, this is mine. i hope this is hers too.

“your least favorite color?”, she asked, slightly looking on my side. but i guess it’s the mirror she looked into. 

“why are you fond of the least favorites?”, i wondered.

“because they are the under appreciated, perhaps?”, and again a glance on my side. i swear, one more look jen. 

“indigo?”, i answered absentmindedly, not knowing any reason as of the time. pair of eyes came rushing, hushing.

“it’s like the balance of blue and violet— in between, but brighter amongst the two. kind of full of uncertainties but with the absolutes”, i spoke the last word, making sure to look at her. she is the absolute.

“what?” i was so lost in my thoughts, or in her, that i didn’t notice she was staring at me. “you are so not my type”, she said, matter-of-factly.

“what do you mean i’m not your type?”, i’m slightly offended. “

i usually go for girls who are a little bit more.. assertive”, she said, slowly, as if careful not to bring about an argument.

“i brought you here, didn’t i? i’m assertive”, i protested. 

“no..” she said, trying to hide a giggle, “you’re stubborn, that’s different.”

“so that’s what you’re looking for?” 

“i don’t know. i guess i was looking for you”, she was getting awkward, i love it when she’s gawky. 

“it just.. took me a while to find you”, she ended.

i’m not fond of reading as much as jennie does. but jennie made me read john green’s first novel, looking for alaska. and yes, john, jennie was endlessly fascinating and i was hopelessly boring— and that if people were rain, i was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.

she was busy banging her head to the rhythm of the radio and my heart was busy banging into her tempo. i looked at her and leaned in closer, (prepared for what’s next) and closer, (prepared to put a kiss on her neck) and closer, but she interrupted my musings with a question.

“what did you think the first time you saw me?” i gathered myself up. put myself into the position i was in earlier before i planned to execute that silly kiss. 

ready to answer, i breathed in so deep.

“i thought you were the most beautiful girl i ever saw”, i answered in complete honesty.

“were you disappointed when you got to know me?”, in complete honesty she asked back.

“how could you ask that?”

“i’m such a mess”, she said slowly, making sure that i have heard her statement. 

looking back at her, eyes fixated, i answered with utmost sincerity, “i love your mess.”

 

“what if you get sick of me?”, another question. “i won’t. i promise”, another answer.

 

—\- 

“the sun looks good on you”, jennie’s words are, as always, captivating. we decided to stop by this beautiful, however, secluded beach; it was as if the world was our ally as the warm sand marched against our toes.

amused under the beautiful sunset, between the shore and the sea— 

we exchanged _inclinations,_

“i like movies with anticipatory sequels, i don’t know, it just makes me feel that things do not suddenly end.”

“dancing has always been in my bones.”

_..aversions,  _

“i never had a dog, it’s not that i don’t like them, i just didn’t have the chance to adopt one.”

“i don’t like it when people’s nails are filthy— i think the littlest things in one’s body is a sneak peek to their whole existence.”

_..and secrets.  _

“i was a battered kid, jennie”, it took all the courage i could muster. we have been talking all night and i just figured that she needed to know.

i started lighting up the cigarette i had in my pocket the whole time; jennie saw it, but she didn’t mind. smoking has always been my go-to, my glimpse of haven, my security blanket.

“lisa...” jennie’s voice is as comforting as a mother’s lullaby. 

“i’m okay with your past. it made you who you are. and i happen to be in love with who you are.” 

fuck smoking. jennie will always be my go-to, my glimpse of haven, and my security blanket


	3. this is how i found you

white sheets enveloped our intertwined bodies— tainted with a love that was just made. my eyes peeled open and the first thing i saw was the sunlight on jennie's angelic face. right now, the smell of my breath is the last thing i care about-

"good morning, you." 

“good morning, lisa”, her smile is the kind i wanna wake up to for the rest of my life. 

what i didn’t know was- this was the rest of her life. and she chose to spend it with me. i know that now.

she sat up on the side of the bed and looked directly at me. 

“thank you for yesterday. thank you for today. and if i forget, thank you for tomorrow”, she said in pure genuiness.

“will you still love me tomorrow?”, i asked, searching for the reassurance that i, myself, didnt give her through utterance. 

“whatever happens tomorrow, we’ve had today.” 

“and today was good, yes?”, she answered with a kiss. i miss her lips.

 

—\- 

this is the second time in two years that i came back to the beach where jennie and i first kissed. i come here to remember, and to tell the story of the almost love that became my one great.

that roadtrip was your farewell. 

even now, two years later, i have poured myself over our conversations searching for the secret message you’re certainly trying to send me. 

and i am sorry. 

because i only 

**_ almost _ **

found it.

up to this day, i still regret that i didn’t say i love you too. i realized that words can only help you if you speak them. i’m sorry, jennie; i couldn’t tell you when you were here, and now that you’re gone, i wanna tell you everything.

jennie, i got your message. i got your message through the book you sent me— not looking for alaska, not anything other people have written.

“this is how you lose me” is your planned goodbye.

  
\--   


\-- 

the heavens planned it, it was planned with the One above. you found me and that was how i lost you, without even knowing it. without knowing that slowly you were slipping away; fading.

the book was a gift, tragic but beautiful. until now, i am still in awe of everything you are capable of, from the deepest words your mouth can let out, it was poison. you were poison i was so ready to take in, the poison i want to devour.

jennie, wherever you are right now, i hope you hear me. i improved on my vocabulary. thanks to you i could tell our story beautifully. are you proud of me? this is my response, an ode to you- _This Is How I Found You._

right from where we first met, from that stupid question you asked me. i thought that was stupid, but i really am the fool because i had no idea i’d really be the one who was left behind— as you said, i look the latter.

like you, i also, never thought that someone could resonate the deepest longings of the heart. still you are my reservoir, still there are words that needs describing, needs explaining, still jennie, there are no words.

you never told me what you felt the day when we were riding the bike. now, my temple has been always remembering that day, the sensation you loved and found in my touch, in me.

how your heart fluttered every time my eyes laid down on you. on how you imagined how would it feel if we ever kiss, if our lips ever touched that day.

i get it now, i get it why you felt unsettled about existence.

i get it, jennie. 

now you must think about that lately, or not, because you now have the answer. the reassurance, you needed it, i hope i was able to hand it over to you.

i apologize that i wasn’t able to die before you, 

i apologize that you weren’t able to see this quirky face. 

i apologize, my love.

i look forward to the day we’ll see each other again. and i’ll bring whatever i can with one hand for i have the other reserved for yours.

i’ll bring the letters we have lost and we will read them again, together. not in the state of almosts, but in the state of our favorite words.

quoting your book, you said, “i hate the word almost because almost held failed potential. it represented our ability to be just not good enough. that we had come to the brink of something beautiful but fell short so many times— we crafted a word for it.”

as for me, after some serious deliberation i decided to change my least favorite word. because while moist is gross, malignant is worse.

malignant is uncontrollable. 

malignant is unanswered phone calls. 

malignant is not knowing where to find you. 

malignant is messy and unfair. 

malignant means i never had the chance to say goodbye. 

malignant 

is t he cause 

of _almost_.

i hope your heaven is a library, and i hope it is void of almosts. because mine is hell, mine is rambling, mine is different.

jennie, i forgive you for dying, 

forgive me for letting you go. 

now maybe, 

this is how i found you 

w as my version of your 

this is how you lose me. 

#

**Author's Note:**

> this story is a prompt on how vital conversations are in one’s life. it could reduce you or rebuilt you. we don’t realize it, but we are being changed by each conversation we have. we are not the same person after an interaction.
> 
> the story ends with this. 
> 
> if you have questions, dont be afraid to ask! questions like, why did they meet in an airport?
> 
> it was a metaphor, airports are a venue for goodbyes- foreshadowing that one is going to leave. 
> 
> \--
> 
> follow me on twitter: @kapsyon 


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